Lyrics
[Verse 1]
“Well the river’s runnin’ backwards, but that’s nothin’ new,”
He said, fanning his collar as the sky turned molten blue.
“Just a natural little wiggle, just the planet havin’ fun!”
Then he fainted on the sidewalk in the forty-second sun.
[Verse 2]
They hauled him to the shade where the trees used to be,
Just a row of burnt-up toothpicks leanin’ awkwardly.
He said, “Trees get a little crispy—happens when they’re dry—
Don’t know why folks panic; trees just reachin’ for the sky.”
A squirrel staggered by with a tiny canteen,
Sweatin’ like a jogger in a sauna machine.
“Coincidence!” he shouted, wiping sweat from his brow—
“Critters just get thirsty this time o’ year… somehow.”
[Chorus]
Heatwave Holler, don’t make a fuss,
It’s just the planet breakin’ a little sweat with us.
Turn up the fan and have a nice cold drink—
If the thermometer explodes, well, that’s nature’s wink.
[Verse 3]
A fish flopped by in what used to be a stream,
Said, “Buddy, I’m walkin’ now—water’s just a dream.”
But he pointed at the fish and said, “Evolution’s quick!
Soon they’ll be drivin’ trucks, it’s nature’s clever trick.”
A billboard melted down into a pop art mess,
Drippin’ on the mayor in her linen summer dress.
He said, “We got no problem, folks, so don’t you complain—
This is just a warm spell like the Good Book preordained.”
[Chorus]
Heatwave Holler, don’t lose your cool,
The sun’s just teachin’ us the universe rules.
Sure, your shoes fuse to the sidewalk glue—
But that’s just July sayin’, “How do you do?”
[Verse 4]
At the diner that evening, he appeared on TV,
Sayin’, “Climate ain’t changin’, take it straight from me!
These scientists get nervous when the numbers all climb—
They oughta learn to pray, or stop trackin’ time.”
Behind him the weatherman burst into flames,
But our hero kept talkin’ ’bout “alarmist claims.”
Said, “This heat ain’t unusual! Why, in eighteen-ninety-four,
A man in my hometown once sweated clean through the floor.”
[Bridge]
The town was boilin’ like a kettle on high,
Birds doin’ rain dances in the stumbling sky.
But he stood on his porch shoutin’, “Nothing’s wrong at all!”
Just before the porch sagged like warm caramel.
[Chorus]
Heatwave Holler, don’t start to nag—
The truth’ll only hurt ya, like a brown-paper bag.
So crank up the AC, let denial run free—
Just ignore the melting mailbox and the sizzling tree.
[Verse 5]
By August the clouds had stopped showin’ their face,
Said they “needed a break from the whole darn place.”
The moon wore sunglasses to dim the glare,
And coyotes installed fans in their underground lair.
He marched down Main Street with a Popsicle sword,
Declaring the heat wave “overrated, over-scored!”
But the moment he said it—oh mercy, that man—
His Popsicle dripped south and glued him to the land.
[Verse 6]
They found him stuck fast in a sugary street,
Mumblin’, “Hot? No, I'm fine,” through a puddle of sweet.
They peeled him up gently, took him home to cool—
And he blamed the whole thing on the “biased heat pool.”
And when winter came late—on the twenty-third of June—
He said, “See? Told ya so! Climate changes too soon.”
[Final Chorus]
Heatwave Holler, bless his heart,
Denyin’ every meltdown like it’s modern art.
If the desert takes root where the oceans used to be—
He’ll say, “Just a phase! Don’t listen to the sea!”