Lyrics
[Spoken Intro]
Every night around eight o'clock,
the television helps me identify
this week's boogeymen.
It's a public service, really.
Otherwise I might accidentally think
they were just people.
[Verse 1]
Guy on Fox News, red hat upon his head,
waxing on 'bout the boogeymen, those socialists and reds.
Showed video of protesters marching with signs in the street,
but then I noticed Grandma...
and my favorite Uncle Pete.
Well...that's awkward.
[Chorus]
Everybody's got a boogeyman,
everybody's got a list.
Everybody's got a channel
telling them exactly who it is.
"Threat!"
"Danger!"
"Enemy!"
"Menace!"
Half of 'em are in my phone contacts.
[Verse 2]
Lady on PBS, dressed sharp and very chic,
interviewed a boogeyman, a schoolbook-banning freak.
Showed footage from a meeting hall,
tempers running hot,
but then I noticed Larry...
from the bait-and-tackle shop.
Huh.
I know that guy.
[Chorus]
Everybody's got a boogeyman,
everybody's got a list.
Everybody's got a channel
telling them exactly who it is.
"Snowflake!"
"Hillbilly!"
"Tree Hugger!"
"Gun Nut!"
"Climate Alarmist!"
"Science Denier!"
"Latte Liberal!"
"Coal Roller"
Hold on...
Used to be Bob was just Bob.
Now Bob's a Level-Three
Democracy-Endangering
Semi-Fascist
Ammosexual.
Breaking News.
Folks, today's boogeyman
has been identified as a:
Vegan Cyclist.
Marxist Adjacent.
NPR Listening.
Oat-Milk Consuming.
Virtue Signaling.
Woke Warrior.
Level-Two Pronoun User.
Certified Threat To Common Sense.
Pretty sure that's just my niece.
[Verse 3]
Scrolling through my Facebook feed,
everybody sounding grim,
someone posted boogeymen
with arrows pointing at 'em.
"Here's another dangerous one,"
said the caption underneath...
Looked a lot like Mrs. Jensen.
She taught me math in '83.
To be fair...
she was pretty tough.
[Chorus]
Everybody's got a boogeyman,
everybody's got a list.
Everybody's got a channel
telling them exactly who it is.
"Threat!"
"Danger!"
"Enemy!"
"Menace!"
Half of 'em still borrow my ladder.
[Bridge]
Saw another boogeyman.
Yep, I knew him too.
Then there was another one.
That was Auntie Sue.
Then my barber.
Then my mechanic.
Then my cousin Rick.
Then the lady at the food bank.
Then my old Sunday school teacher.
Then my neighbor from across the street.
At this point...
I was beginning to think
the boogeymen were winning.
Then they showed the worst one yet.
Real troublemaker.
Real menace.
Real danger to society.
Real S.O.B.
Put his picture on the screen.
I leaned in real close.
Thought...
"Boy, that fella sure looks familiar."
Took me a second.
Then it hit me.
Damn...That S.O.B. was me.
[Final Chorus]
Everybody's got a boogeyman,
everybody's got a list.
Everybody's got a channel
telling them exactly who it is.
"Threat!"
"Danger!"
"Enemy!"
"Menace!"
And one of 'em is apparently me.
[Outro]
Funny thing about the boogeyman...
sooner or later
you end up on the list too.
Well...
that's awkward.